Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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