I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
