Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
