my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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