i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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