I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
