Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
