Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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