Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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