Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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