i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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