Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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