I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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