Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize