I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
