I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize