I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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