i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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