i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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