he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We left the knife in your bed.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
