so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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