This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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