wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
