I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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