I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
