Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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