They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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