he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
