help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
