don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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