6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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