She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
