Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
