I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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