I bet he comes in French.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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