At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
