I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can you bring me the toilet please
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
