Yo dont text me then not text me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
we should paint friendship bongs
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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