my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
