exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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