I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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