You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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