I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize