I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
