There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
