He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
