Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
