yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
nutella sex= disaster
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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