the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
