He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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