I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
