Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
