just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
