Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Come share oat with me in your robe
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
