i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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