i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
