I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
