Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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