I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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