I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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