yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
