I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
