I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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