Pants 0. Shit 1.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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