I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
