does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
