Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
