I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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