do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
