Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
